We ended 2009 on a bad note…but I decided to change my attitude and let 2010 (while still filled with one major struggle) start off on a good note…I can’t lie since 2010started many things that could have gone wrong have NOT…so there is a plus already….Up until the other day I felt really good about my new attitude. Before Mr. Awesome was laid off back in June 09 we had a tentative plan of wanting to keep our kids 2 years apart. Nothing was in stone and we were both definitely able to change our minds, but 2 years seemed good. I didn’t want to get out of the “baby ways” only to start all over again. I wanted to keep things as close together as we could manage. After Mr. A got laid off I still wasn’t panicked about it interrupting our family plans because after all we weren’t ready to have another yet anyways and he would surely have a job by the time that came around. Now it’s February and Mr. A is still unemployed and it’s starting to get to me..not that he is unemployed so much (although I would love for him to have a job) but the fact that people around me who were pregnant when I was pregnant with BA1 are now pregnant with their second, our friends are starting to get pregnant and it would be super nice to have kids close in age so when we get together they can play.
I’m super happy for all the people around me who are pregnant for the first time as well as the 2nd and even the 4TH, but a part of me feels like I could be more excited, no I should be more excited for them. I’m not selfish by any means, but I feel it right now. It’s such a yuck feeling. I’m having so much fun with BA1 and am focusing on that, but I miss his baby phase..(If you would have asked me if I could see myself missing this 3 weeks after BA1 was born I would have laughed at you).
I know we will have another baby, but my positive outlook transformation has taken a nose dive while I am bummed about not being able to try now. Does this make me a bad person?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
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